This one might take a minute. I have a few points to make.
Shortly after I graduated from college, I decided to go to graduate school. Way back in the day, the computer industry was gaining traction, and I wanted to get a Master’s degree in the computer field. At the time, options were still limited, in my neck of the woods, but I decided to attend the University of South Carolina Science and Math program. I spent 2 ½ years at the school, graduated with an MS in Computer Programming, and learned some life lessons.
There are 3 life lessons that, over the years, I have come to appreciate the most. And a 4th life lesson that still makes me shake my head in disbelief. Let me begin…
First, let me set the stage for the environment of my grad school years. I rented an apartment with friends and drove to campus for my classes. All of my classes were in one building—I forget the name of the building. I was hired as a graduate assistant, which meant that I would pay reduced tuition, attend classes, work for professors, and get a paycheck. The department was very small, I think maybe 20 or so graduate students, and a handful of professors.
Resources were limited. We had one computer lab with about 6 screens, which were connected to a mainframe computer, that was stashed away somewhere in a very cold room. None of us had access to computers outside of that room. Our computer lab was cramped; it resembled a closet room that had been remade into computer space, retrofitted for all the new-fangled equipment. There was a sign-up sheet in the room, so that we could reserve a computer terminal at a specific time of day. We were limited to 1 or 2 hours on the reservation.
When we received an assignment in class, homework, or project work, we would sit with pen and paper to design the code, figure out the logic, rewrite iterations of steps, and produce a written copy of the solution. Then, we would go to the computer lab to type our code into the computer and run the program to test it. How often do you think it worked correctly? Never. There were always unintended consequences that had to be corrected, slight adjustments that had to be made, reworks that required more testing. We could gobble up an hour of time just tweaking and re-running a program. To say that computer time was precious and tension was high, would be an understatement. When there was pressure to get work done, I would regularly set my alarm for 2:00am, then drive to campus to secure a spot at the computer. I was never alone; the computer terminals were always full throttle.
Yet, as graduate students, we developed comradery among ourselves and with professors. We had our own offices, held office hours for tutoring, taught undergraduate classes for professors, and did research for professors. In many ways, we identified ourselves as more akin to the professors than the undergraduate college students, even though the students were closer to our age. We were part of the Science and Math program, whereas, the undergraduates were students who sometimes came into our building, and then went on to other buildings for other classes and activities throughout the day. I never went into another building on campus during the 2 ½ years I was enrolled. I couldn’t identify with the undergrads at all.
Now, back to the life lessons. Early in my studies, I met several other students, but had not developed much in the way of friendships. We each had busy schedules, holding down our graduate responsibilities, for which we were getting paid, and keeping up with our schoolwork, elbowing each other out of the way as we jockeyed for resources.
One time, I remember sitting in class, listening to a professor, and thinking that I had no idea what he was saying. What was I doing here? How in the world was I going to do this assignment? I felt so closed-in. I had been confused before, but this time, I was completely stumped. What in the H-E-double-toothpicks was he talking about? I looked around the room quickly and saw people with interested expressions, a few nods, a few wrinkles of concentration. I am so out of my league, I thought. I shouldn’t be here. All of these people are smarter than me. These people belong. I’m an imposter. I sat there feeling like a complete failure, for several minutes.
But, then, I noticed an older woman sitting near the window. She shuffled uncomfortably in her seat. She looked confused. Wait a minute, I saw her in the computer lab. She was having trouble, but she got help from someone, and then she finished her work. She’s not so great at this. Then, I looked around again. Hey, there’s that guy who kept getting the wrong answer when he tried to turn his project in. He kept working on it long past the due date, and finally got it done. He’s not so great at this, either. I looked closer at other faces. I could detect uncertainty covered up by attentive student masks. It dawned on me that I wasn’t the only one who felt underqualified, uninformed, unable to do the work. Maybe they looked confident to me, but, perhaps, many people struggled with uncertainty and self-doubt. I looked again at the woman by the window. I thought, if she can do this work, I can do it. I looked at the guy I targeted before. If he can do this, I know I can do it. I just have to find out how to start.
Someone, I don’t remember it being me, but someone, raised a hand and asked the professor a question that was basically along the lines of “what in the world are you talking about?” The professor was slightly startled. Then more people chimed in, and the professor realized that he had jumped past some integral information, or assumed that we had already learned something. He immediately laid out detailed information to get us on the right track. I don’t really remember the topic, but I do remember the feeling of relief.
Life Lesson #1 – Self-doubt can overtake you. Feeling like an imposter limits your ability to use your talents and gifts, which may be different from someone else’s talents and gifts. Don’t give in to the imposter complex, even if you are an imposter. Take stock of what you can do, then stretch yourself to see what else you can do.
During this same time, I got to know a few other people as we navigated through classes together. For the most part, I considered them acquaintances, because, we spent little time together and didn’t learn anything about one another. Then, in class one day, a professor dropped a bomb on us. He told us to get a partner and work together on this new assignment. Say what? I quickly glanced around the room. Several people were leaning across their desks to talk to one another. Wow, I thought, everyone is partnering up. I don’t know anybody. I’ve gotta get out of here. I started packing up my books to make a mad dash out of the room, where I thought I could better formulate a plan. This was my worse nightmare. Just like walking into a lunchroom, holding your tray, unable to find a friendly face to sit with. Just like walking into a party where you thought your friends would be, only to see a room full of faces you barely recognize. Get a partner? Was he serious?
Now here is a logical analysis of the situation. If I stayed in the classroom, I had a very high chance of finding a partner, because that is where all of the students were. If I left the classroom, I had, pretty much, a zero chance of finding a partner, because there would be no students in my car, at my apartment, or anywhere else outside of the building. There were no cell phones to call, no emails to send; that technology would be years in the future. But, despite the fact that I was dooming myself to fail, all I could think was that I had to run away.
I sprinted out of the classroom, then several yards down the hallway, I hesitated. As my mom would say, a little bird told me to turn around. I stopped, and looked back. I saw a girl, who was about my age, whose name I remembered. She was kind of loitering. I walked back towards her and called her name. I took a very deep breath then asked her if she wanted to partner with me. To my extreme relief, she said yes. As it turned out, she and I worked together, became good friends, and then roommates over the years. I tell you, I can’t imagine the agony of asking women or men to go on dates, because the fear of rejection can be overwhelming. The relief and satisfaction of a positive answer is so much better.
Life Lesson #2 - Fear can make you do counter-productive things. Find your confidence, take a step in the right direction to get the things you need. It might not always work out the way you want, but you have to try.
So, for the first 1 ½ years I tooled along in graduate school, settling into the routines and demands of school and work. Because we worked side-by-side with professors, they came to depend on us to get much of their work done. My master’s thesis was crafted around a project that my advisor needed for his anticipated publication. We held office hours for professors, graded their papers, and consulted with them on multiple projects. As grad students, we felt pretty indispensable. We had a lot of work to do, and we worked very hard. When we felt that classroom assignments were particularly complex, or deadlines were particularly short, we would petition the professors to let us work in groups, or give us some extra hints, or extend the due date. We knew that we were subordinate to the professors, but we felt a sense of comradery that gave us the courage to ask for leniency when we needed it. For the most part, the professors obliged, and changed the specifications so that we could succeed. After all, the point was to help us learn, and if they had to make adjustments to their procedures, they were willing to.
And then it happened. The university decided that the best way to start growing the Science and Math department was to offer more undergraduate degrees in computer sciences. And, the best way to accomplish that was to offer some of the graduate level classes to college students. Undergrad students, who we had been teaching in introductory computer science classes, were now joining us in some of our graduate level classes. And they were chomping at the bit to show that they were capable of keeping up and excelling.
As described earlier, the computer lab was already crowded with grad students trying to take turns on monitors to get their work done. Suddenly, there were undergraduates signing up for time slots. As we learned, there were other study halls on campus, with computer access where these guys could have done their work. Yet, they chose to stay in our building, clogging up our computers. I didn’t know where any of those other study halls were on campus, or what you had to do to access them. This was the computer room I always used. And these guys were interfering with me.
Not only that. Well into the semester, we had a particular assignment that proved harder than expected. After a lot of trial and error, none of us were successful, so we decided to ask the professor for advice and an extension (as we had done from time to time). His response? Three of the undergrads had already completed the assignment, and turned it in. So, he didn’t see why we couldn’t get it done. Have you ever seen the scene in a cartoon where a person is asked a question, but instead of answering, he just turns around and walks away? That was us. Stare at the professor, turn around and walk away. And mutter under your breath.
It became Us against Them. Not in public. Not to their faces. But, internally. They were interfering with our studies. They were turning the professors against us. They were using our computers, keeping us from getting our work done. They were walking in our halls, learning our subject matter, breathing our air. It was very distracting and very anger-inducing. As the weeks ticked by, we realized that this was not going to change. In fact, it would probably get worse. The department would probably expand the opportunities for undergrads and redefine the roles of graduate students. All we could do was hold on, get our work done, and finish our degrees before all hell broke loose. Maybe I’m being a little dramatic. But, I’ve thought about that experience over the years, and I’m very curious about all the emotions and feelings I experienced. I have reevaluated the situation and developed some interesting thoughts.
If you think about it from the undergrads’ viewpoint, they were given a great opportunity to take advanced classes, increase their education, and upgrade their degree. Who wouldn’t want to take advantage of that? Wouldn’t you try to over-achieve to prove that you could handle the material? Wouldn’t you get your assignments done at all costs, even if you had to neglect other things to get them done? Wouldn’t you want to do your computer work in the building where the professor were, in case you needed to clarify or ask questions? Were they trying to screw up the lives of the grad students? Certainly not.
If you think about it from the professors’ viewpoint, they were interested in growing the department. A good first step would be to get more people enrolled in classes, more people interested in computer science. More students buzzing about, more minds coming together, solving problems. The department was unusually small, and it would have to grow to provide solid computer science degrees in the future. As to assignments, if all the students were struggling, then, accommodations could be made. But, if some students, particularly the less-experienced ones, were able to complete the assignments, then there was no need to extend deadlines or change the parameters. Were the professors out to get us? Certainly not.
We were feeling threatened because our routines were being challenged. We were having to change the way we behaved, because those people had crashed our party. We did not like it, not one little bit. Resentment, anger, irritation, exasperation. How much energy did I waste on those feelings? At the time, I could not see that the undergraduates had not done anything wrong; they were simply taking advantage of an opportunity that had been given to them. They were not going to keep me from getting my degree. It might be a little harder to complete my work, now that I had to share resources and work at the pace they were working at. But, I would still succeed.
Looking back now, I realize that I see and hear this attitude over and over. People become offended that someone else might interfere with their way of doing things. When, all the offending party has done is show up and try to do the best job that they can. I think about it a lot, really, because I know the feeling of the offended, but I can sympathize with the feeling of the offender. Sometimes, you’re not trying to step on anyone’s toes, but they resent you none the less. Instead of propagating Us vs Them theories, we would do better to recognize that collaborative effort might work for everyone.
Life Lesson #3 – Not everything is about you. Sometimes people are just doing the best they can. The fact that you might need to change your behavior to accommodate others may not be their fault, and you should not waste energy blaming them. They have just as much right to be here as you do. If this is how it is now, then figure out how to operate in the new reality. Maybe everyone can succeed.
I finally completed my degree, after many hours of blood, sweat, and tears, and lots of burnout. While in school, I started an internship at a local company, which turned into a full-time job. For the next 10 years I worked in computer programming at several different companies in several different cities. When we moved out of state with my husband’s job, I hung up my geek card and became a stay-at-home mom.
My kids find this all hilariously ridiculous. Because I am the absolute weakest link in the family when it comes to computers. Mind you, when I left the computer field, a new invention called the Personal Computer was just coming to market. No one had computers in their homes. There was nothing user-friendly on a screen. Computers were utilitarian, and at my job, I wrote cryptic code in mystifying languages behind the scenes. Nothing about todays’ computers seems remotely related to the work I did.
So, I became a preschool teacher instead.
Life Lesson #4 (the one that makes me chuckle) – Don’t take yourself too seriously. Just because you have done something in the past, it does not have to define your future. You can remake yourself, if you want. Or, you can stick with what you are good at. You do you.