I wrote the title of this article, then I thought I would Google search the term to see what nuggets of information the internet might provide. As expected, I got immediate hits on the Charles Dickens novel Great Expectations. But, I was amazed to find a term I have never, ever, ever, ever heard in my life. According to Wikipedia, Great Expectations is a bildungsroman. A what? A bildungsroman. A coming-of-age story. A bildungsroman follows a person, often young or naïve, as he or she goes on a life journey, encountering many obstacles, and growing through life experience. Great Expectations, like many novels and movies, is a bildungsroman.
How do you like that? Any English majors out there?
My reference to Great Expectations, however, has nothing to do with Charles Dickens or coming-of-age. I instead speak of expectations that we set for others and ourselves. And, it starts in my childhood.
When I was young, we visited some friends whom we didn't see often. We decided to play a board game, but I can’t remember what game it was. While we were setting up the game, one of the kids remarked that she knew that I would lose the game, because I always lost. I tried to remember what she was talking about, but I drew a blank. She continued, saying that every time we played any games, I came in last place. I did? I always lost? I was a loser? I didn’t know what she was talking about or why she was saying that, but I didn’t have time to dwell on it, because dice were being tossed and the game was beginning. Later in the game, there came a point where I had a choice to make. There were 2 paths to choose, and instincts told me that Path A gave me a pretty good shot at winning the game with a decent amount of money. Path B, on the other hand, seemed risky, and more likely to set me back, where I might lose money and lose my position. As I contemplated my move, the words “you always lose” popped into my brain. Then, not sure why, I chose Path B. Predictably, I ended up coming in last place. Why did I choose the losing path? I think I had a feeling that I was going to lose, because I was supposed to lose. Hadn’t the friend said that I always lost? Instead of taking the remark as a challenge, which my adult self might do, I seemed to accept it; the label stuck. There was an expectation that I would lose. It was a self-fulfilling prophecy. I was a loser.............Expectations.
When I was about 10 years old, I had a rough time. I had a lot of stomach issues and felt sick much of the time. I missed a lot of days of school. My parents took me to the doctor, who conducted tests and concluded that I was anxious and worried, and, basically, making myself sick. He told my parents that they needed to stop pressuring me to succeed at school. My parents were like, “Who us??” After more discussion, all the adults concluded that my parents were not pressuring me to perform well at school. The next question was then who IS putting so much pressure on her that it is making her sick? The doctor and my parents turned to look at me, the little perfectionist sitting on the examination table. I said “Hi”. Me, I was pressuring myself to perform and succeed at school. I set expectations that were hard to live up to. I did not want to let people down or let myself down. I needed to be an excellent student, top of the class.............Expectations.
My daughter was 4 when her little sister was born. To express her displeasure at this new family dynamic, she decided to stop talking at school. At home, she talked non-stop, loudly and clearly. But, as soon as we drove into the preschool parking lot, she would clam up, not saying a word until school was over and she was on her way back home. She did this for the whole school year. During summer, life was normal. But, when the new kindergarten school year rolled around, she stopped talking again. Different school, different teacher, different classmates, but still, she refused to speak at school. Her teacher asked us, “What’s up with her?” We shook our heads and said, “Who knows.” But, in class, the kids called her The Girl Who Doesn’t Talk. As she became engaged in class and began to make friends, it became harder and harder for her to stay silent, but she held fast, because she was The Girl Who Doesn’t Talk. I actually think she was ready to drop the whole thing, but she held on for the first semester of school, because everyone expected her to be quiet. Thankfully, after the Christmas holidays, she started talking in class, closing the book on that strange chapter of her life.............Expectations.
In my preschool classroom, we see all kinds of personalities. Invariably, every few years, we end up with a class clown. What’s interesting is that every single class clown we have ever had enjoys the attention from all of the friends for a while. But, at some point, he or she always comes to talk to me, sad and dejected, because he or she doesn’t want to HAVE TO do something funny. The other kids expect a performance, and the clown doesn’t want to be that guy all the time. The same goes for the kid on the playground who always has to be IT and chase the others. Sometimes that kid wants to be chased, instead of being the one doing all the chasing, but all the kids expect him to be IT every day. Kids, and sometimes teachers, pin labels on other kids—the Funny One, the Smart One, the Shy One, the Fast One, the Difficult One, the Noisy One, the Bossy One, etc. They expect those kids to behave that way all of the time. And, often those kids fall in line and behave the way everyone expects them to, whether they really want to or not.............Expectations.
In my experience, and as I’ve illustrated, people often feel compelled to act the way other people expect them to act. And, sometimes, they put pressure on themselves to meet expectations that they set for themselves. (Perfectionists, unite!) But, don’t you know that people often live up to the expectations that you set for them? That can be a good thing when expectations are appropriately high for positive results. But, it can be a problem if we come to expect certain behaviors so much that we label others such as the Trouble-Maker, the Successful One, the Lazy One, the Timid One. Kids, especially, are impressionable, and that can have a lasting effect on their behavior. Sometimes, children will unconsciously take on the role that others expect, or, be unable to get themselves out of a pattern that seems to define them.
Let’s cut everybody some slack. Don’t set expectations so high that someone has to work themselves silly to meet your expectations. But, don’t set them so low that someone doesn’t even try. It’s reasonable to expect someone to give a good effort, or to improve themselves, or to contribute when they can. It’s reasonable to expect people to stretch themselves in a positive direction. And it’s reasonable to cut yourself some slack when you feel pressured to do more than you should.
I think that everyone’s doing the best that they can right now. It might not be the best that they can do, but it’s the best under the current circumstances. Let’s encourage each other. I think we can. (I'll reference another well-known literary work here.) Like Goldilocks, I’m setting my expectations not too high, not too low, but just right.