Musings About Family

Families are the best, especially when there are a bunch of little mini-me’s running around learning how to get along in the world. There were 4 of those in our family. Family dynamics are always interesting with oldest child, middle child, and youngest child personalities. Parenting is challenging, especially when the parents are 2 adults who have very few answers to the enormous number of questions and obstacles that occur on a daily basis. Face it, parents are just winging it day after day.  Not saying that parents don’t have good policies in place. But, I think we all can agree that just when you, as a parent, think you have it all figured out, Wham!, something slaps you upside the head, and you’ve gotta somehow get the family back on track. Never a dull moment when it comes to families.

When kids are very young, they have limited life experience, so they often misinterpret things that adults say. That happened one day when my son was a little 3 year old. I was driving home with him sitting in his car seat beside me, in the front seat of our truck. Don’t judge me, that was perfectly okay way back then. Our neighborhood was in a suburb, but also off the beaten path. As soon as I turned onto the access road that led to our neighborhood, I called out, “Yay! They finally painted a line down the middle of the road!” The road was narrow, bumpy, and rather treacherous when oncoming traffic approached. It was hard to maintain 2 distinct lanes on the road, so I was very happy to see the newly painted line. After my excited announcement, my tiny son said, “Where? Where’s the line?” I said, “Right there in the middle of the road, see?” “No, I don’t see it. Where is it?” “It’s just there in the middle of the road. The white line.” He craned his neck every-which way and cried, “I can’t see it, where is it??”

The conversation turned ugly. He leaned and tried to rise up in his seat as he strained to get a better view. As I continued driving down the road, I spoke with irritation, “It’s not that big a deal. It doesn’t matter. It’s just a line.”  He whined, “But I want to see it. Why can’t I see it?” His frustration grew, and my frustration grew. We bickered some more, then I tried to shut it down by saying, “Don’t worry about it. I wish I had never said anything.” He cried out in desperation, “But Mommy, I WANT TO SEE THE LION!!”  The lion. No wonder he was so interested.

Kids in my preschool class provide a treasure trove of funny stories. One of my favorite things to do with my school kids is to interview them. I love to interview them about various topics, two of my favorite being interviews about Mom and Dad. Besides the fact that it’s always a hoot, I like to give the kids an opportunity to think about their families and the people that they live with. So often young kids think that everything revolves around them, and I like to remind them that Mom and Dad are people, too. When I ask a child what Mom’s name is, the reply is often “Mommy.” I have to prod a bit to find out what Dad calls Mom, or what other adults call Mom. Sometimes, I suggest a few options, before a child lights up and says, “That’s it! Mommy’s name is Veronica!”

When I ask about Dad’s favorite food, the answer is often, “I don’t know.” I insist that the child give his or her best guess, then I prompt with a few leading questions, like, “What does Mom cook that Dad says is really yummy?”, or “What does Daddy like to order at the restaurant?” The kiddo always has a look of satisfaction on his or her face when giving a solid answer that describes Dad. 

The ultimate question is “My Mom always says….” This one is always a doozy. It ranges from answers like “I love you”, to “Go back to bed”, to “Why does this keep happening?”, and everything in-between. I like to pose this question, and record the answers, because it gives parents a chance to see the family through their child’s eyes.  How would your child describe your family to someone else? What is it that your child hears day in and day out?

When kids are young, they absorb so much, but they don’t always have the experience or the ability to process it. I realized that another time with my son, when he was about 2 years old. All of my kids have blue eyes, which they inherited from me. One day, I was talking on the phone and I answered a question about my son by saying, “He has blue eyes.” After I hung up, he ran up to me and said, “Mommy, I don’t have blue eyes.” I said, “Of course you do, your eyes are blue.” He started to get upset, insisting that his eyes were not blue, which confused me. “Let’s look in the mirror, so you can see them,” I said. But before we could walk to the mirror, he blurted out, “My eyes are not blue, they are RED!” I finally realized what was up.

For all of his short life, we had recognized when he was getting sleepy and irritable, ready for a nap or for bedtime. His energy would fizzle, he would get cranky, and the area around his eyes would get red and puffy. We’d say things like, “Ooooh, your eyes are red—you’re ready for a nap!”, “Your eyes are so red, it’s time for you to go to bed.” Never once did I realize that he thought that the color of his eyes was red. No one ever explained to him that the reddening of his eyelids was a symptom of sleepiness. How ridiculous was that?!

So, those of you with young kids in your life, don’t forget to explain things that you might assume that they understand.  They cannot always connect the dots the way that you expect them to. Don’t believe me? Just put a dot-to-dot puzzle in front of a small child and watch the ridiculous way they draw a line from 1 to 2 to 3 to 4, etc. I mean, can’t they see that they are drawing an outline of an apple? Why does it turn out looking like an airplane?

My kids had an assignment in high school to write a poem in the style of George Ella Lyon’s poem Where I’m From. I really enjoyed reading each of their takes on the family and the memories of their childhood. I wish that I still had a copy of their poems, but I think those assignments are long gone, many computers ago.

And, while it’s not for the faint of heart, it’s interesting to ask older kids about their impression of the family. You might not always agree with their assessment of the family unit, but you might learn a little about their perspective on things. I heard that suggestion from a counselor one time. Have I done that? Are you kidding me? You think I’m gonna ask this brood what they think of me? Not a chance.  My style is to sit quietly in the driver’s seat of the car, or in the back part of the room, or somewhere where they might forget about me. I like to sit and listen to my grown kids interact with one another. That’s what gives me a good read on how they get along and what they really think. It’s always interesting to hear that every kid in our family thinks that every other kid is the favorite, who always gets what they want. I guess that means that everyone around here is slightly dissatisfied, nobody thinks they get a fair shake.

Welcome to the world, my friends.  Your family has set you up and given you tools to deal with all the trials and tribulations of life. Life will throw a lot at you. I think that's the power of family--building each other up, but allowing each to grow in their own direction. Maintain those family ties! Guide those youngins! Look out for lions!

For your reading pleasure:

Where I'm From

by George Ella Lyons