The Villain Who Attacked

Recently, I was writing a blog post about my unexpected encounter with a spider. I hold no ill feelings towards most spiders, so the experience wasn't terrifying or anything. It was a curious moment, but it didn't get my blood stirring. If you missed that story, you can read it here (My Spidey Senses). As you might surmise, I was surprised by that spider's appearance. Surprised, but not afraid.

However, I DID experience a terrifying event, and I WAS afraid, very afraid. It happened WHILE I was creating and typing the aforementioned spider post. I was sitting at my table with my laptop, composing my spider story, when an enemy struck in horrific style. A scheming Villain who had been planning and plotting his move. While I sat innocently in my chair turning my phrases and punctuating my sentences, there was a terror attack, plain and simple.

It played out like a horror film, complete with a movie audience.

I was the naive Victim, who sat at the table lost in my own thoughts and musings. Sure, I heard a minute disturbance behind me. A teeny tiny rustling of papers. The slightest odd sound. The movie audience screamed, "Turn Around!! Pay Attention! Look!!" They implored me to react.

But, like so many horror film victims, I ignored their cries. I was engrossed in my blogging task. I didn’t turn around.

A while later, when I heard the slight sound behind me for a second time, I paused to listen, then I brushed it off. Nah, that was nothing. I was too busy to consider the possibilities. Too busy to do even the most meager investigation. I kept my back turned to the disturbance. You couldn’t even call it a disturbance, really. It was a tiny tiny noise. I reasoned that it could have been caused by the HVAC fan kicking on, blowing towards the wall behind me where boxes of papers were stored. I considered for a quick second that the fan had switched on many times in the past while I sat at the table, and I had never heard that rustling noise before, so why now? But, it wasn’t a big enough concern to make me turn around and survey the area. I had things to write about and stories to tell, so I didn’t want to be interrupted.

As any movie audience knows, the sound of rustling papers behind you means that something is afoot. The softer the noise, the more menacing. Something is lurking. Ready to spring out. The movie audience pleaded with me, “There is something in there! Turn around and look! It’s going to get you!!”

But, I was deaf to their calls.

Minutes ticked by as I slaved at my computer task. For the movie audience, nail-biting suspense grew and grew. For me? I was clueless. Fingers moving like magic across the keyboard, typing, backspacing, tabbing, shifting, deleting, inserting, copying, pasting. The words were flowing. Paragraphs were coming together. I was in the zone.

But then, I heard an unmistakable rustle. Louder. This time, not right behind me, but over towards my left side. The noise was distinct and clear. Papers were crinkling. Ominous movie music began to play. The audience held their breath in anticipation. I turned slowly to look over my left shoulder, and THERE IT WAS perched on top of a stack of 8x10 appliance receipts. The exposed demon sneered as he crept across a Home Depot washer/dryer purchase document, leaving ugly DNA traces across the print. I gasped as the wicked Villain turned and suddenly started charging directly towards me, running like a bat out of hell. The audience screeched, bags of popcorn flew into the air. I, too, screeched and scrambled, knocking furniture over in the process. Crashes crashed. Screams screamed. Mayhem mayhemed. The audience squealed and shouted words of encouragement, rooting for me as I bolted out of the room, escaping deadly clutches. 

With all the commotion, Rob, my Hero, rushed upstairs from his office in the basement. He was flustered and concerned about the ruckus.  I stammered hysterically, pointing and gesticulating about the horror in the next room. He bravely grabbed the nearest weapon and entered the compromised room. He announced that he didn't see the Villain anywhere. The movie audience yelled and pointed “He’s right there!! Right There!!!”, as I cowered in my safe space.

Finally, I heard my Hero smack his rolled-up magazine weapon on the floor repeatedly. Whack! Whack! Whack! I let out a sigh of relief. The audience let out a collective "Phew." My Hero said, "OK, got it." But, in my adrenaline-fueled state, I was distrustful. I yelled, " Did you really get him?? Or had he already gone to hide? Did you hit the floor with the magazine to make me THINK that you were getting him? So I wouldn't be afraid? But, actually he took off and ran away??" Rob assured me that, yes, he really did swat the villainous enemy, and no, he didn't try to trick me. The deed was done and he was cleaning up the evidence.

The audience cheered and hurrahed with relief as the horror story reached its morbid conclusion. Everyone was exhausted, happy that the evil plan was thwarted, and the Villain was eradicated.

Then Rob, my Hero, approached me and said, " You need to get a grip and control yourself. With all that noise, I thought something terrible had happened. That was completely ridiculous." I had no comment. Nor did the movie audience.

But, Really? Ridiculous??

Was it ridiculous that I was being attacked by a ginormous black Palmetto Bug Cockroach? One who laid in wait, positioning himself for optimal attack? One who announced his intentions by surreptitiously crinkling papers as a warning, first over here, then over there, as he surveyed the scene and picked the prime location for his assault? One who aggressively barreled straight for me, bearing fangs and daggers, hatchets and machetes? One who scurried across the floor so quickly that I barely had time to react? One who was, make no mistake, gunning for me? One who behaved like a homing missile as he charged forward towards my chair?

You think my response was ridiculous? I beg to differ.

Here’s a point with which the movie audience is sure to agree. How many insects weigh enough to disturb papers as they crawl? Lightweight wee insects move quietly across all manner of materials. You never hear them coming. Crawling insects silently maneuver without making a sound. This guy, this fiend, was big and heavy enough to crinkle and disturb papers as he sneaked around in the shadows. His six dreadful legs made papers rustle as he crept over and under, step by step. This was a dadgum BIG bug. A GIANT cockroach. A GARGANTUAN Villain. And, as such, my actions were justified. Case closed.

I have to admit, I thought twice about writing this post, because I didn't want you to get a bad impression of our residence. I have written more than once about my nemesis, the horrible horrible thing that is a giant black Palmetto Bug Cockroach. You can read more about it here (Bugs), and here (Unwelcome. Let's Freak Out!). But the truth is, during the 365 days in a year, we see an intruding beastie only about 3 or 4 times. Not often. Those bugs are quite common in The South, and everyone, sooner or later, has to fight them. Our house is clean. It's not infested with those repulsive bugs, but, the occasional guerilla surfaces. Since I have, what one might call, a strong reaction when I see a disgusting guy in my house, it makes for an interesting story. And, we all know that the movie audience loves to explore the dark side through nerve-racking tales.

Who am I to deny the audience what they want? That's why I decided to share my anecdote, even though it might reflect a bit badly on me. Hopefully that is my last Villain encounter for 2025.

Time to roll the credits….

• Victim - Gwen
• Hero - Rob
• Villain - Big Bad Yucky P. B. Cockroach*
• *only one creature was harmed in the making of this blog, and, he deserved it.

What People Are Saying: Audience rating:  ***** ^{_{(Five stars! Verified ratings)}} 👍

• "Great Action!"
• "Very Suspenseful!"
• "I was worried that the Victim was a goner."
• "Eww! What a Horrible Monster!"
• "I was holding my breath the whole time."
• "Loved the Victim! She's cool."
• "I'm so glad the Villain is gone. I do NOT want there to be a sequel."
• "Yay for the Hero! He was so brave."
• "It was a Smash Hit!"