Have you ever realized there is a problem, but it is so big and complex that there is no solution? And, have you ever realized that you, yourself, are a part of the problem? Nah, me neither. Well… actually, I have. I didn’t really see it until I looked back over a number of years through how-did-we-get-here glasses. Then, and only then, I was able to nod my head with a giant Ohhhhhh, I see. Are you intrigued? Well, pull up a chair and I’ll share my thoughts.
It all started with Burger King. Now, to paint the picture, let me tell you that I was raised in the 60’s and 70’s in a small South Carolina town. Partly because of the smallness of the town, and partly because of the way things were back then, there were not as many restaurants and fast food joints as there are today. The difference between two styles of restaurants was that sit-down restaurants took time to cook and prepare your food. Fast food restaurants were designed to quickly hand you food that was already prepared, waiting under the heat lamp, ‘fast’ being the key term. Then, Burger King announced a new campaign to ‘Have it Your Way at Burger King’. If you are reading this with bifocals on, you can join in to sing with me “Hold the pickles, hold the lettuce, special orders don’t upset us. All we ask is that you let us serve it your way. Have it your way at Burger King.” What? They will customize my burger the way I want it and be fast about it? Heretofore, we had all unwrapped our burgers, lifted the top bun and pulled out the pickles ourselves. We had scraped the tiny minced onions off of our McDonalds burgers. If we had a problem with the pre-made burger, it was our responsibility to undo the parts we didn’t like. Or, we ate the burger like it was. But now, I can ask, dare I say demand, that they make the burger the way I want it? I have the power?
Well, maybe it wasn’t that dramatic. But, stay with me here, I do have a point to make. Slowly, or sometimes quickly, things began to change, so that we began to expect individualized experiences that were catered to our own wants and preferences. Let me do a few back then compared to now examples.
TV
Then: We had one TV in our house, that had fewer than 10 channels. There were a limited number of shows that were on at any given time. There was no way to record or save a show for later. I watched many shows that I wasn’t particularly interested in, because another family member wanted to see those shows. I could leave the room, or stay and watch. Maybe the show was boring, maybe not. Maybe I learned something in a Slumdog Millionaire kind of way that became valuable to me later in life.
Now: We have 4 TV’s in our house and 6 laptops. We can record shows, stream shows, and have any number of programs, games, movies, and what not, going at all times of day and night. No one ever has to suffer through anyone else’s favorite show. We just pop off to another part of the house to watch what we want to watch. As soon as my husband tunes into Deadliest Catch, I’m out of there!
Phone
Then: We had one phone attached via cord to the wall. We had a second phone tucked away in a room upstairs, but they were connected to the same line. If someone was talking on the phone and you picked up the 2nd phone’s receiver, you could hear the conversation and join in. Phone etiquette at the time kept you from staying on the phone for long conversations – you couldn’t tie up the phone – someone might need to call. Before placing a call, we had to make sure no one else needed the phone, or no one was expecting a call. The phone was a resource we had to share and everyone was grateful for a turn.
Now: 6 phones, 7 counting the landline we haven’t closed down yet. In the middle of any given activity, at any time of day, someone invariably gets a call which they have to take. Let’s don’t even talk about the texting. Sheesh.
Radio
Then: Car trips. The radio was coveted. On long trips, my parents would sometimes let us pick which station to listen to. But, often, we had to listen to whatever the grownups selected. Short of putting ear plugs in your ears, you had to listen.
Now: Does anyone remember what a radio is? These days, music is very personalized. I am particularly proud of themed playlists that I put together. My music selections are da bomb. I would listen to my choice in music over anyone else's any day and twice on Sunday.
Microwave & Cooking
Then: Microwave ovens were just coming onto the scene. For the most part, families cooked & prepared food for the whole family. If you wanted a cup of coffee or tea, you always asked if anyone else wanted any, because you were going to start the percolator or fill the kettle. If you wanted oatmeal, rice, or any other cooked grain, you made a pot full. There were many ‘convenience’ packaged foods, but they were not packaged for one person servings.
Now: I could literally feed myself in my kitchen, ignoring every other person, for a month, or so, without using anything but single-serve portions, packaged or fresh.
Banking & business
Then: The bank had set hours when you could access money. Period. If you forgot to run by the bank to get money before the weekend started, you were out of luck. No money to party. How many times in college do you think I forgot to go to the bank? Only once. One weekend, when my friends had money and I was broke – I never forgot again.
Now: You can access money any time of day any day of the week. You don’t even need to access money—you can conduct almost all business via card or Venmo or some other mysterious money exchanging service. You can also choose any time of day or night to get gas or go to some stores. Basically, almost everything is at your disposal 24-hours a day.
There are more examples of the differences of family life between then and now, but I don’t want to slip into a tirade about the ‘good ole days’, or derision of ‘kids these days’. I want to get back to my point. I identified a complex problem, and here’s what I think it is.
In past times, the normal experiences we navigated every day gave us opportunities to practice important social skills, such as patience, tolerance, consideration, sharing, taking turns, advanced planning, and more. We spent more time thinking about how our actions might impact other people, how to adjust our desires to fit into established systems, and less time thinking about how the experience could be personalized for us. At times, we had to ‘take one for the team’, instead of getting our own way. Now, I’m NOT saying people of today are spoiled brats who demand to get their way. But I do think we have established an expectation that we should be able to get what we want when we want it. Especially if we are paying good money. There is nothing wrong with that, really, except when it narrows our focus so that we feel deprived or oppressed when things do not meet our personalized expectations. Or, we think our expectations are more important than anyone else’s. Or, when our expectations become so individualized that it’s hard to see things from someone else’s point of view. When we consider our personal desires to be the most important thing, then, we have a problem.
Where do we go from here? I don’t see us back-pedaling as a society to take away the individualized experiences that we have come to know and love. There is much more recognition of food allergies and diet restrictions now, so the progress that has been made to accommodate people’s needs in the food market is important. In other areas, the fact that so many options exist almost ensures that people will continue to get products or experiences specific to their preferences. But, seriously, who needs a soda bottle with their name on it?
Remember, when I said that I am part of the problem? I can be pretty high-maintenance when I want things done a certain way. After all, I should get what I want, right? When I pay for services, I expect satisfactory results. But, a part of me wonders if I take it too far. Could I be just as satisfied if things don’t line up exactly as I like? Wouldn’t it be an opportunity to learn, if I intentionally or inadvertently tried something a different way? Like maybe, someone else’s preferred way? I appreciate all the conveniences and procedures that cater to my every desire. But I worry a bit when we train our population to expect so many things to meet individual preferences. Especially for our kids.
As I see it, parents today must make deliberate efforts to help their kids practice social skills that (back in my day) used to be an integral part of everyday life. The opportunities came naturally, not because we chose them, but because resources were fewer, options were limited, and we were more inclined to settle for things that might not be our first choice. I’m not saying that doesn’t happen now. I’m just saying it’s not automatically ingrained in our mundane experiences anymore. It’s on us to actively ensure that we give ourselves and our kids opportunities to practice taking turns and sharing, also, patience, tolerance, advance planning, and above all, consideration of others. We should push ourselves to admit that sometimes individual preferences are less important than we think. For me, sometimes, it’s important to look around through other people’s eyes and forgo my demands to have things done my way.
But, not right now. If you’ll excuse me, I need to order my unsweetened iced tea, extra lemon, hold the ice. After all, I deserve to have it my way.