I hate having to be a butt. I really do. Often I’ll just let things go so that I don’t have to be a butt about everything. My kids would argue that this is not true. They think I get too worked up about stuff and they get very embarrassed when I do. But, from my viewpoint, I don’t go off on things too often. Maybe I do, but there’s always a good reason. I mean, I could count on one hand the number of times I’ve had to fly off the handle to be a butt to someone in order to right a situation. Well, maybe two hands, 10 fingers. Here, put your hands in there, too. That should be about right. Okay, throw in some feet, let’s count the toes, too. There we go, that should account for all the times I’ve had to get riled up to fix a problem of someone else’s making. That’s not too bad, is it, really?
Lately I have been thrilled to be involved in medical bills, insurance, prior authorizations, and all sorts of Hell on Earth. I would say “Don’t get me started,” but then this would be a very short blog. So, Ladies and Gentlemen, I'm starting my engines.
When I call customer service and I politely give my spiel, and the cheerful customer service rep responds sympathetically and completely understands my position, I feel a sense of justice. Things are moving in the right direction. Truth will prevail. As weeks tick by and nothing changes, I get more and more irritated, more and more affronted. When I make the 2nd and 3rd call to speak with another representative and another representative, things go downhill quickly. They reference notes on my account, they suggest a different strategy, they assure me that the wheels are in motion. Blah, blah, blah. By the 4th or 5th call, I have lost patience. My words are crisp. I reiterate all the past conversations, what people said they were going to do, what the problem is as I see it, and I take names. I fire off emails. I act like a butt.
The problem is, you have to do that. There are complex entities like hospital agencies and doctor’s offices and billing departments and insurance companies and therapy groups and the secret Game Masters who move all the pieces around and make all the decisions about who can be seen for what malady at what location. You have to act like a butt, or you will get trampled. You will owe exorbitant amounts of money for denied claims and unauthorized procedures. You will be the victim of the overly bureaucratic entity of U.S. Healthcare. Never mind your health. It’s all about policy and permission and contracts and who the H-E-double-toothpicks knows what else.
Thing is, you have to gather all your notes and put on your battle gear when you get ready to make a call to discuss your problem. You have to get all of your documentation ready, then psych yourself up for the kill. Then, worse, you have to keep your battle gear close at hand in case you get a return call. Being unprepared for a return call is a grave mistake. You have to be ready to get all up in their business at any time with the same level of insistence and refusal to back down. You have to turn it on no matter when you get the call, whether you are talking to an existing foe or a newly contacted foe who is reaching out for the first time. You have to assume that nobody knows anything about your case, and you have to start at square one and recite everything that happened and what you expect now. And you have to be a butt.
It is exhausting. And many people just give up. That’s what they hope will happen. This is not unique to medical issues. I had a particularly challenging war with an airline several years ago, where I showed full butt mode. It was not pretty. During this time period, most flights were reliable. There was very little disruption in air travel (unlike what's happening nowadays.) So, it was very concerning when our flight was suddenly canceled. We had traveled overseas to visit our daughter in her study abroad program. We had plans to whisk her away for a nice weekend in another destination. Let’s just say, if you leave us stranded in an overseas airport by canceling our flight, we are not going to be happy. If you then rebook us for a flight leaving 15 hours later to a completely arbitrary city and tell us we need to catch a wee-hours-of-the-morning bus to travel long distances to get to our final destination, then we are going to have a problem. I am going to complain.
During those stressful, confusing hours, our plans became so convoluted, we had to cancel the whole excursion. Our trip was ruined. Cancel the AirBnb. Cancel the rental car. Cancel the tour reservations. Cancel the plans. Cancel it all. Forget it. Thanks, you ruined our trip. Over the next few months, I logged sixty-six emails back and forth with the airline. My complaints eventually got us about 75% reimbursement of what we were rightfully owed from them, and then I ran out of steam and let it go. Months had gone by, and I couldn’t keep pressing. When I gave up, I’m sure the airline employees were smiling and high-fiving because another one bit the dust. They had lots of unhappy customers who were angling for justice.
Back to the issue at hand...In general, the complexities and absurdities in the medical field lend themselves to battles between patients, doctors, hospitals, pharmacies, and insurance companies. My biggest pet peeve being that there seems to be no actual value assigned to anything—it’s whatever they feel like charging. This medication will cost you $68 one month, but next month it will cost you $600, then suddenly it will cost you $5. No rhyme or reason. If it’s really worth $600, then I think someone should be paying the rest of the balance ($68+$532 or $5+$595) to reach the actual price of $600. But, I KNOW that’s not happening. What’s the actual value/cost? It’s all made up. Convince me otherwise.
So, my current war is with the hospital. I was in the hospital for several days and they gave me good care. I appreciate everything that they did for me. But there was one incident in which they made a mistake. I was taken out of bed without being properly supervised, even though I was in a very weakened state. No one was watching me. As a result, I passed out, fell, and cut my head. They reacted quickly and provided immediate care. They bent over backwards to double check and run tests to make sure there were no hidden concerns, no underlying problems that either caused or resulted from the fall. In addition to the newly ordered Brain CT Scan, Heart Echocardiogram, and Carotid Artery Ultrasound, they had to do an Xray to make sure that my just completed surgery had not been compromised. And a surgeon had to stitch up my head wound. All said and done, it was about $11,000 worth of additional medical costs. Granted, my insurance will pay the bulk of the bill, but I stand on principle. It is my contention that I will not pay for all those extra tests and procedures. Not my responsibility. The fall was on their watch, and they dropped the ball. I’m not paying for that. So, I have to get all fired up to call repeatedly, talk to new people, explain the story, state my case, stand firm in my pronouncement. Be a butt.
It is exhausting. Maybe I will win my case in the Court of Public Opinion, but I don’t know if I will win my case against the Big Guys. Not likely. I’m not suing anyone or seeking damages or trying to get anyone in trouble. All I’m saying is that I do not intend to pay for the things that were a direct result of their mistake. Period. That’s all.
Anyone have a similar experience? Anyone have to stand their ground again and again, push their case repeatedly? Anyone else have to be a butt?
I’m ready to be done with all of this, pay my undisputed bills, and move on, so I can stop being a butt. And, so I can stop getting my panties in a wad. You know that’s super uncomfortable when you’re being a butt.
Apologies for so much talk about butts. This is not my normal avenue of comedy, but since I opened the door, and in celebration of 5th grade humor, I thought I would tag on a few butt jokes:
>Why does a duck have tail feathers?
-----To cover its butt quack.
>A group of butts is walking. The smallest struggles to keep up.
-----He says, “Sorry, I’m a little behind.”
>A geologist asked me if I like extremely high, steep hills with a flat top.
-----I said, "Yeah, I like big buttes and I cannot lie."
>What time do butts get up?
-----At the crack of dawn!
>Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill?
-----To get to the bottom.
Ba-Dum-Tssh.