DON’T Tell Me What To Do

I’ve gotten pretty used to how weird I am. I accept my idiosyncrasies and understand how I operate. I know there are things that I can work on and behaviors that I should try to improve. But, I also try to go easy on myself, knowing that I am the way I am.  I tell YOU stories to help boost your self-esteem. Readers should feel good about themselves when they read my confessions and immediately say, “Thank goodness I’m not like HER.” Here’s another one to add to the collection.

One of my more annoying character traits is that I don’t like being told what to do. I will gladly listen to your point of view, your take, or your understanding of a situation; just DON'T tell me what to do.   It’s been hard to maintain this stance as a kid, as a teenager, as a student, as an employee, as a relative, as a friend, or as a spouse; but, believe me, I try.  I think the root of the issue is that I need to figure things out for myself, so that I can feel invested in the solution. If you tell me I should do THIS to fix the problem, I immediately start to wonder if there is another way, perhaps, a better way to fix it. Is there another angle? I need to work through the problem to convince myself that THIS IS the best answer. At least, that’s what I tell myself. Maybe I can change, but after decades of tweaking things to do them Gwen’s way, I’m not sure there’s much hope.

Another contributing factor, I realize, is my need to be in control. There, I said it. I like to be in control. One of my favorite TV shoes, as a child, was Get Smart. This was a spoof of the James Bond 007 series. It was full of predictable gags and much hilarity. The ‘good guy’ spies belonged to the organization called CONTROL. The ‘bad guy’ spies belonged to the organization called KAOS. This is what I learned from a 1960s TV sitcom: the opposite of Control is Chaos.  If I don’t have Control, there will be Chaos. 

I am 'lucky' to have a houseful of kids who share the same annoying trait. Try parenting that brood, and see where it gets you. Now that my kids are older, we all acknowledge our shared flaw.  We just don’t like being told what to do. If you tell me to do something a certain way, I am likely to do the exact opposite, just because you wanted me to do it that way.   It sounds very childish, doesn’t it? I can’t explain it or justify it, but I can recognize when it’s happening, and try to stifle the feeling. But, here’s the thing…...there really might be a better way to solve the problem, and why shouldn’t I explore all the other options? Leave me alone, and let me think about it.

Now, this doesn’t have anything to do with refusing to wear a mask during a pandemic, or anti-vaxing, or current issues like that. I abide by rules built of good solid science, or general consensus, or the law, or the common good, and other similar things.  This has more to do with questioning YOUR opinion of how I should proceed with a given situation. I will take your idea under advisement, but I will only accept your idea if I exhaust other avenues and decide that your idea is, in fact, worth pursuing. You are going to have to wait a while to hear back from me on that.

I don’t know where this family trait comes from. Many of my immediate ancestors are potential sources, but I think it must go way back. Maybe from Eunice Hedgepath Herron of South Carolina who birthed 5 girls while suffering from ‘pellagra’ in the early 1900s. Or, maybe, from the Irishman Thomas ‘Old Tommie’ Henning, who famously crafted slat-back chairs in Greenbrier County, West Virginia, in the 1800’s. He invented, and reworked his chair design, trying to squash the competition, and eventually, one of his chairs went on display in a nearby museum. Maybe from Captain John Dent, who sailed from Yorkshire, England, to the New World in the late 1600s. Or, maybe from his future wife, Mary Hatch, who was born in the colonies in 1647.

Maybe the stubborn trait came from Lady Anne Fenwick or her husband Sir Roger, the Knight and Sheriff of Newcastle, England, in 1515. Maybe it was passed on from Hugues ‘the Bearded’ who lived in Normandy, France in the late 800s.  Can you tell that I have recently discovered my ancestry?  I love to dig up stories of my people and find out a little bit about what they went through, and what made them tick. Maybe it can help me understand more about myself.

So, here I am, with a family full of people who refuse to follow directions, or, maybe I should say, suggestions. We constantly struggle with what to say to each other, and what not to say, knowing that a suggestion made at the wrong time, could tip the scales and ensure that the desired behavior will never happen, not on your life. You can’t tell me what to do. I hear it. I feel it. I know it. I read a parenting article one time which said that a teenager might drive straight off a cliff, just to spite you for telling them not to, metaphorically speaking. While it sounds like an immature response, history tells me that my people are not going to outgrow it. After all, I’m becoming a senior citizen, and I cannot quell the argumentative feeling that rises when I am being told how to fix a problem, when someone says, What you really should do is...….

Um, Thanks, but no thanks. I'm good. I’ll handle this myself. How sad is that?

It’s particularly perplexing to people who are not one of ‘us’. Just ask my husband Rob, who always asks, “Why are yall like that? What is wrong with you?” I know! I know! It’s irritating and frustrating to be around people who think they have to reinvent the wheel or take the bull by the horn or shoulder the responsibility all on their own. People who won’t trust the suggestions of others. We are frustratingly stubborn. We are a people who can’t fix ourselves! We need help! But, please, please, don’t tell us how to fix ourselves. Above all, do NOT tell us what to do.