Years ago, I had an experience that I dare say few of you have ever had. In fact, I would be willing to bet money that none of you have ever experienced what I did. While it wasn't particularly damaging, it was not a positive experience. Recently, I have considered that experience of long ago, trying to decide how I feel about it, and what lessons to take away. I haven’t completely answered those questions, so, I’ve decided to do the next best thing—write about it and see what you think. Intrigued? Very well then, listen up.
I was with a group of about 30 people who all started chanting loudly in unison that they didn’t like me. On more than one occasion.
Has that ever happened to you?
OK, in college, I was in a social club called a literary society. It would be akin to a college sorority, but less formalized. In place of national sororities and fraternities, my tiny college had literary societies which operated as social and philanthropic clubs. Many of the girls in my society were very dear friends then and now. I’m not sure how this all started, but I would guess that I had rattled on about some concern which I was overthinking and fretting over, looking for reassurance that people were approving of my actions and accepting me. I'm sure I was being a pain. Whatever the leading conversation was, it did not prepare me for the surprise when one person started chanting and the other 30ish joined in.
I will neither confirm nor deny that I am part of the witness protection program. But, I will, for the sake of anonymity, refer to my college-aged self with the made-up name of “Gwen Brown.” In unison, the entire room of girls began to chant:
Nobody likes (pause, pause) Gwen Brown. Nobody likes (pause, pause) Gwen Brown. Nobody likes (pause, pause) Gwen Brown. Nobody likes (pause, pause) Gwen Brown. Nobody likes (pause, pause) Gwen Brown.……” Finally, the chant died away as everyone, including me, broke out into laughter. But, the chant became a thing. For an entire semester, at random times and random places people would restart the chant, and everyone nearby would join in.
Well, what do you think about that? Some of you might say “How dare they?”. Others of you might say, “It was all in fun, no harm, no foul.” It’s an interesting thing to dissect, given today’s temperament on how people treat one another. What do we think about it, here in 2021?
The Case for Bullying: Some would call this covert bullying, even though all of the parties were friends. I knew right away that these girls (at least most of them) DID like me. But, then, I wondered, what if I was wrong? What if they really didn’t like me, and finally had the guts to say it? No, I figured, they wouldn’t be that brazen to yell it out loud in public. If you were in college with me, and you, in fact, did not like me, please keep that information to yourself. I don’t need to know that now.
The Case for Teasing: Picking at a sensitive topic to tease someone can be harmless, but can also be cruel. I didn’t think this situation to be cruel. I took it as an over-the-top reaction to get me to calm down already. I decided that I needed to chill, get over myself, and laugh with the group.
The Case for Having a Thick Skin: Nowadays, people are more conscious of things that inflict pain on others. Some argue that people have become soft because they can’t take a joke, or because they are easily offended. They complain that freedom of speech is being policed because of the crybabies. Others argue that, for too long, the silent few have not been able to speak up or stand up for themselves. They have endured ridicule and ugly verbiage, and have been powerless to stop it. And, it is high-time that someone held the offenders accountable.
The Case for the Mob: In this situation, mob mentality took over. Whoever started the chant spontaneously shouted it out, and others joined in. It only took seconds for the whole room to react. I don’t for a minute think that each person weighed the potential consequences or analyzed the message. They heard something funny, and they joined the fun. It’s easy for people to gang up together when it sounds like everybody else is doing it.
What to make of all of this? Thinking back on my experience, I was taken aback when the chanting started. I did have moments of doubt, wondering if it was true, “you mean you really don’t like me?” But, realizing it was all a joke at my expense, I transitioned into “You guys!! Okay, Okay! I get it!” But, would everyone react that way? Would a different personality type take offense, or feel dejected? How would the group know how the ‘victim’ would react? What if I had run from the room or started to cry or gotten angry? Would I be accused of being an over-sensitive snowflake?
Sticks and Stones May Break My Bones, But Words Will Never Hurt Me. FALSE. I don’t think anyone believes this to be true. Words can hurt. A lot. One of my lowest moments as a parent was when one of my kids, who was being irritatingly annoying, yelled at me “You know, I’m not perfect!”, and without missing a beat, I yelled back, “Oh I KNOW you’re not Perfect!!”. I didn’t use the but-honey-that’s-ok tone of voice. I used the you-are-so-far-from-perfect-that-you-will-never-get-anywhere-close-to-it voice. Words can definitely hurt.
What would you do if a whole room of people chanted that they didn’t like you? My today-aged self would probably join in the fun, seeing it as a roast of good-natured ridicule, but privately tell a few people later that that kind of outburst might be considered mean, and might hurt someone else who was targeted. I would advise them not to pick on people, because you never know how it might cause someone to struggle. Wouldn’t it be nicer to say good things to people and good things about people? Because, if the girls had chanted “We really like (pause, pause) Gwen Brown!”, I wouldn’t have second-guessed or wondered if it was true. I would have been thrilled to hear it! See the difference between the positive message and the negative one?
Let’s be kind out there, folks. That’s all I can think of to say. There’s no other way to wrap this up than the good old backyard song:
Nobody likes me, everybody hates me
Think I’ll eat some worms
Big fat juicy ones
Long skinny slimy ones
See how they wiggle and squirm
Nobody likes me, everybody hates me
Think I’ll eat worms three times a day!
First of all, I can’t imagine anyone NOT liking you. Even though the chant was all in fun, my insecure college age self would have gone back and forth on the meaning behind it. My mama always said, “If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.”
We really like Gwen Brown!!! Glad you were able to handle this back then!
However it was meant, definitely not cool. I don't think I could have tolerated that. How could you not take it personally and wonder about it? Ironically, I just got off the phone with my step sister. We have reconnected since our sister's death. She was reflecting on something her mother said to her when she was 13, which had caused her to question if her mother was proud of her. It's complicated by the fact that her mother died many years ago. We're human and have our flaws. We just have to forgive and realize that.