Have you finished your Christmas shopping? That’s a question I ask over and over in the month of December. In December, people in these parts celebrate one of the Big Three holidays—Christmas, Hanukkah, or Kwanza. And much of the celebration involves gift-giving. In my family, we have a predictable list of family members, friends and colleagues to whom we give Christmas gifts. But, as my mom taught me, it doesn’t hurt to have a spare gift or two lying around, just in case. In case someone shows up with a gift that you weren’t expecting.
My dad was the minister of a small church in a small town in South Carolina. In our town, it was customary for church members to give small gifts to the minister and his family during the holidays. Many of those gifts involved food. Normally, those gifts were not reciprocated. In other words, my parents did not give a gift to every church member who gave them a gift. But, sometimes, under special circumstances, they would give a small present to a church member, neighbor, or friend. Sometimes, rather than make the first move, they waited to see what the other person’s intention was. As the leader of the flock, my dad was very careful to avoid showing favoritism within the community. But, if it seemed appropriate, they might give someone a small gift in return. My mom thought it wise to have a few generic gifts wrapped and ready, should the situation present itself. As an adolescent, I also found this to be a wise course of action, as I tried to negotiate the complex maze and mystery of friendships.
I, for one, feel badly if someone brings me a present which catches me off guard. If I had not thought to get them a present. While I don’t feel as if I owe them something back, I do feel as if I need to show my appreciation. That, for me, feels like I should give them a present. To show that I’m not a taker, I’m a giver.
Many years ago, we had a tradition with another couple. While we were good friends, we rarely found time to get together. We rarely found time to call (looking up the phone number in tiny print in the giant phone book, standing tethered to the wall, talking on the old-fashioned telephone, LOL). But, we did hold to our yearly tradition of meeting at a restaurant in December for a holiday meal and catch-up session. We always had lively conversation and enjoyed the visit immensely.
One year, at our December dinner, our conversation dwindled as we noticed what was happening at a table nearby. There were 2 people at the table whose voices caught our attention, so we began to eavesdrop. The woman produced a mid-sized present which was beautifully wrapped. The man seemed slightly surprised, but also intrigued.
We watched him tear the paper to reveal a highly polished wooden box. When he lifted the lid, she started to describe the gift. It was a sliver-plated pearl-handled pistol with a detailed history. He held it up, examining it, as she piled on the information. She was very excited. He looked grateful and overwhelmed. As he put the pistol back into its case, he said, in an almost embarrassed voice, “ I got you something, too. It’s not much, just a little thing.” Then he presented her with a very small box. She opened it, and with her best don’t-worry-it’s-ok voice, said, “A bookmark. Oh, I love to read!”
As eavesdroppers, we could hardly keep ourselves in check. The absurdity of the gift exchange. She had clearly spent much time, perhaps much money, on the thoughtful gift. I mean, she didn’t pick it up at the drugstore on the way to dinner. He, no doubt, had also thought to get her something that he thought she would use and appreciate. And I’m sure she did; readers do use bookmarks. But the contrast in gifts. Unbelievable.
Of course, we turned the situation into an inside joke. Any time we recognized an imbalance of behavior between two parties, Rob or I launch into the dialogue.
“For you, a silver-plated, pearl-handled pistol procured from the 18th century collection of Sir Nottingham.” “Yes, indeed. Thank you. And, for you……..a bookmark.” “A bookmark. I love to read!”
Sometimes, when it's completely applicable, we use the abbreviated version, and with a properly dignified, slightly British upper-crust voice, simply call out the catch phrase, “And, for you…….” We can extend the life of any story indefinitely.
Are we the kind of friends who exchange gifts? The kind of neighbors? The kind of co-workers? Who makes the first move? Will the gifts be appropriately equitable? Have you ever wondered? I have. Without getting my panties in a wad, I try to remind myself that it’s the thought that counts. If someone over-gifts me, then so be it. I can show appreciation in other ways, if I put some thought into it. I think about the example set by the Wise Men, who brought gifts to Baby Jesus, expecting nothing in return. And, for that matter, Santa himself brings presents, receiving only a snack of milk and cookies in return. So, it seems that traditions of Christmas illustrate the imbalance of gift-giving. And that’s ok. The best gifts come, not from obligation, but from the heart.
If you see fit to send me a gift this holiday, I will gladly accept, in the spirit of the season. I appreciate your kind words and your thoughtfulness. As a token of my appreciation, I got you something, too.
And for you……….
