Gloved Up

I realized something surprising today. I realized that I haven't paid nearly enough attention, when watching crime show TV, to know how to completely remove fingerprints and/or DNA from an object that I have handled.

No, I haven't committed a crime. No, I don't plan to commit a crime anytime soon. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

But, today, I was catching up on some dishwashing by handwashing several travel mugs, cups, and water bottles. As I stood at the sink, my imagination began to wander, and I started to pretend that I was cleaning up a crime scene. That’s when I realized that I wasn't exactly sure HOW to do it.

Does washing a glass with soap and hot water remove fingerprints and DNA? What if you are holding the glass with your bare hands while you wash it? Don't fingerprints reattach, or does the water continue to wash them away? Does the water HAVE to be hot? Lukewarm? Cold? What if you are using a scrubber, but you miss a spot, say, where your lips touched the glass? Does DNA cling to the glass even if it’s gotten wet? What if you have no detergent? Can you simply rinse a glass to remove traces of you? What if there's no water? Does dry wiping work? If you wipe a glass, are you removing or smearing the fingerprints? What about DNA samples? Can you wipe them away?

See? I have many questions about leaving no trace behind. I'm not sure if I would be able to get away with murder or, even, lesser crimes. I wonder if I would be easily caught.

So, what have you been thinking about lately? Not that, I'm sure.

OK, one more thought -- I know gloves would be the way to go. But, if you wore disposable gloves or regular gloves and threw them away, obviously not at the crime scene, but somewhere else, it's possible that they could be recovered and tied to the crime, right? A bloody glove? Or just a suspicious glove?  Couldn't your DNA or fingerprints be retrieved from the INSIDE of the glove? Or, at the very least, from the part of the glove that you handled with your bare hands when you were putting the gloves on?  Why didn't they test that with OJ Simpson, when a glove was discovered at the crime scene? With the matching glove found at his home? During trial, when OJ was told to try on the gloves, they didn't fit. Later speculation was that they had dried up and shrunk from events tied to the murders. But, regardless, the gloves didn't fit. That’s why the jury chose to acquit. As attorney Johnnie Cochran declared, "If it doesn't fit, you must acquit." But, couldn't forensics have also tested the gloves to prove if OJ, and not some mysterious unnamed attacker, had handled the gloves? Was the technology not there yet? Is it available now?

Obviously, I know so very little about fingerprint and DNA recovery.  But, what can I say? Curiosity is my middle name.

On a completely unrelated topic, when it comes to house cleaning, I am ok-ish. I'm not super fanatical about keeping my home in pristine shape. I (we) keep it clean enough. My grandmother was an obsessive clean freak, and I always saw how that played out. In my adult years, I have chosen not to follow that exceedingly vigilant path of constant tidying. Sometimes I let things go. But, for the most part, I do like to keep things decent and semi-orderly, even if the order is one that only I understand. Living in a house with other family members, I often find that after I clean and straighten things, other people tend to un-clean or un-straightened them within a matter of minutes. I know that people aren't doing that intentionally, they are just carrying on living their lives and all, but it can be a bit irksome.

I thought about that today when I discovered something on my kitchen counter. Here is a picture of my countertop with its busy mottled granite-like pattern. The counter looked clean to me.

I had to bend over to pick something up from the floor. Suddenly, at eye level with the counter, I noticed all the crumbs spread everywhere. Gross. I had not seen all those particles from my previous viewpoint looking down on the counter. Someone had left a mess all over the countertop. Can you see it?

I realized two things: 1) people need to learn to clean up behind themselves, and 2) things can be hiding in plain sight. You might look right at something yet not see what is really there. And, I wondered, once more, how one cleans up from a misdeed in a way that leaves no evidence behind. It would take meticulous planning to remove or cover up all the incriminating clues. How does one completely wipe away everything connected to an unlawful act? Again, with the crime scene.

I think Crime Scene Investigator would be an amazing job. To be able to see what everyone else sees, then to identify the important 'telling' clues that shed light on the case without contaminating the crime scene. To be like Monk, or Sherlock, or Psych, or Matlock, or Grissom, or Poirot, or any successful Detective or Crime Scene Investigator we watch or read about in pop culture. There are a lot of observant intuitive characters in TV shows and movies. They be like, “Ah hah! Cookie crumbs! It appears that Cookie Monster has struck again.”  If I could start all over, I would like to be a Crime Scene Investigator and/or Forensic Scientist. Or a Traveling Nature Photographer. Or a Museum Curator. Or a Drummer in a Rock n Roll band. I like to dream the impossible.

Late addition: You are not going to believe this. Shortly after penning my thoughts from above, I got in my car, and this is what happened:

While driving, I stopped at a traffic light on a multi-lane road. As I waited for the light to turn green, I noticed there was a car sitting on my left, also waiting for the light to change. The driver of that car was a young female who was wearing an everyday solid colored T-shirt. Her hair was slightly unkempt as if she had been rushed when heading out the door. She appeared to be dressed very casually, for running around town.  Like running to the grocery store, or taking her kid to soccer practice, or bringing the car in for service. Everyday stuff. Definitely not wearing formal or smart or business attire. When I noticed her hands on the steering wheel, I was surprised to see that she was wearing white gloves. Not disposable gloves, not driving gloves, not work gloves, but gloves that looked like fancy dainty white cotton gloves. I did a doubletake. What in the world? Gloves? Dressy gloves?

Was she a Queen? A Princess? There was no evidence to suggest it. Had she been to a debutante ball? She wasn’t dressed like it. Was she a butler? Again, she wasn’t dressed like it.  Had she just left drama practice and forgotten to remove her costume? Maybe, but she didn’t look like that either. Was she a white-glove-one-finger-dust-tester? Is that even a thing? Was she a golfer or a fencer or a bowler? No, not those types of gloves. Was she preparing to direct traffic? Um, no, she was sitting in traffic. Had she been doing something nefarious? Was there a crime? Did it involve fingerprints? 

The traffic light turned green, so we each drove our separate ways.  I will never know the story of the woman in white gloves. But, a curious imaginative girl can invent a story, right?  Can you help me? Any thoughts?

But now, if you’ll excuse me, being as we have explored the topic of evidence eradication, I’ve got some business to attend to. I'm gonna glove up.

What's that? You're asking me why I need to wear gloves? Ummm, no reason. Just, um, I have a few things to, um, take care of. You know, normal stuff like wiping crumbs off the counter. It definitely has NOTHING to do with all this crime stuff we've been discussing here. Scout's honor. Oh, you think that seems suspicious? Like I might be up to something? Who? Moi? Oh, no. No, no, no. Rest assured, I'm not perpetrating anything. Everything's good. There's no crime scene ANYWHERE near. Nothing that anybody needs to concern themselves with. Worry about yourself. Don't come snooping around with fingerprint kits or DNA swabbers. Nothing to see here. I am completely innocent of anything you might hear about. It wasn't me.

We’ve been chatting here for a while, so I think it's safe to say that you can vouch for me during this stretch of time, right? You don't mind if I use you as an alibi, do you? Good, and thanks. I owe you one.