According to Oxford Languages Dictionary, Small Talk is "polite conversation about unimportant or uncontroversial matters, especially as engaged in on social occasions."
Small Talk. Chitchat.
I am terribly bad at small talk. I can converse easily with friends, discuss topics with colleagues, and generally function in society without too many problems. But, I can’t do small talk. Walking into a room where I don’t know anyone, with lots of people milling about—that’s my worst nightmare. I freeze up, choke up, and awkwardly hover around until I can find someone or something to latch onto. I can’t think how to start a conversation, I can’t pick up on leading sentences, I can’t think what to say. It’s kind of pathetic. And my family finds it pretty hilarious.
My husband Rob, on the other hand is the world’s best small talker. I guess that’s why they say opposites attract. Rob can hold a fascinating conversation with any person he meets on the street. He always has some connection that he can pull into the conversation. He always delivers an interesting detail or nugget of trivia related to the conversation. I guess that’s what makes him a great salesman. Me, on the other hand……no. If 2 or more people are already having a conversation, I will listen, maybe even throw in a little sentence here or there, but I will not become a main player in the mix. Unless I know them well. Then, I will have a normal conversation. I can tell a funny story with the best of them. But not with strangers or casual acquaintances. The difference between Rob & I is that I spend a little time at the party and then say, “OK I’ve talked to everybody that I know. I’m ready to go.” For Rob, on the other hand, it’s like, “I’m sorry sir, but the party is over. We are turning off the lights. You have to go home.”
Our family has a lot of inside jokes. We tease each other about silly things. But, we always try to laugh WITH each other, not AT each other. My family knows all too well how bad I can be in social situations. They have a catch phrase that illustrates it. And here’s how the story goes….
Rob & I were at a social function for a reunion. There were many people there that I used to know and many people that I didn’t remember at all. I had spent some time visiting with long-ago friends, then I stepped into the line at the buffet. There was a delay as the food was being replenished, so I stood there a bit, then turned around to see who else was in line. There was a man behind me whose name I vaguely remembered, so I said hello and introduced myself. Then the conversation started. Being a reunion, the questions were Where do you live? and What do you do? He started to talk, but the loud party noises and his soft voice did not mix well. I asked him to repeat, but still could not make out what he was saying. After he stopped talking, he looked at me expectantly, waiting for a reaction. I smiled and nodded and repeated back the only word that I had heard clearly, “Ahh….Equipment.” As the awkward silence grew louder and louder, my cheeks turned red, and I abruptly turned and tried to inch the buffet line forward. Turned out, Rob was standing close enough to see the whole encounter, and he immediately doubled over in laughter.
So, the catch phrase that pokes fun at my inept attempts at small talk is “Ahhh…..Equipment.” My family calls out “Ahhh…..Equipment” when they hear that I am going to be thrust into the terrifying arena of small talk. They think of ways to try to rescue me and keep me from going under. They give me suggestions of things to say. They try to coax me into chilling and not psyching myself out. But, so far, I haven’t figured it out. I can’t think on my feet fast enough to relax. I don’t know who to talk to or what to say. I’ll gladly take a backseat to those with the art of gab. I’ll just stand around and listen. Doesn’t hurt my feelings at all if I don’t join in the discussion. I would like to be less awkward in those types of situations, and I will try to gain some confidence. But, I also know that we can’t all be the talkers. Some of us have to be the listeners. It would be best, I guess, if we all try to take a turn doing each.
I read an article in Psychology Today for a step-by-step guide for people who were bad at small talk. It was a little too mechanical for me. But, maybe that’s the point. Take the emotion out and simply stick to the script.
No matter how painful it can be (for me), I think in social situations, it’s helpful to remember the advice Polonius gave his son in Hamlet:
“This above all: to thine own self be true,
William Shakespeare
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.”
If I run into you out and about, please don’t take offense if I clam up awkwardly. It’s not you, it’s me. But, I’ll keep trying…..
Hi, wassup?....
Crazy weather, we’re having, right?....
Long time, no see....
How bout them Dawgs?!....
Who would have thought we’d still be dealing with all of this pandemic stuff?.....
Ahhh, Equipment….
I know what you mean!