Sleepover

You probably don’t want to sleep with me. Okay, get your mind out of the gutter. I’m talking about lying down and sleeping through the night. Snoozing. I’m what you might call ‘persnickety’ in my bed as I try to get comfortable for the night. It can be challenging for anyone like, say, my husband who has to share the bed. Now, you might be one of those people who gently lays their head down upon the freshly fluffed pillow and calmly slips into Never-Never Land to wake refreshed and ready the next morning. If you are, git on outta heya so you don’t make the rest of us feel bad. Better yet, stick around and read. It might make you more sympathetic to us.......um…….difficult sleepers.

I can’t remember much about how I slept when I was younger. Decades have a way of pushing some memories further into the recesses of my brain. But, after I birthed children I became a light sleeper, woken by the slightest noise in the night. You know…..the reaction reflex......ready to jump out of bed and deal with whatever middle of the night crisis had befallen a family member. It’s well-known nowadays that I don’t sleep soundly and that I often get up and move around the house trying to get comfortable on whatever bed or sofa is currently unoccupied. It’s not much fun being me during the night.

Funny story: One night, early in our marriage, when Rob & I were young, there was a big to-do. I was woken up by a repetitive tapping noise. It wasn’t alarming, but it was annoying. I saw that Rob was asleep—he never heard things in the night.  As was usually the case, I got up to go find the source of the noise. Without turning on any lights (smart, huh?) I started walking around the house looking out the windows. I soon discovered the tree limb that was tapping against a window, so I headed back to the bedroom.

In that house there was a window framed by an arch—the kind of arch where Dracula would rise up. As I approached the arch, I suddenly saw a man’s shadow slide across the wall moving away from me. Panic set in, and I started to Scream. There is no way to describe the noise that came out of my mouth other than blood curdling. I’ve never heard anything like it before or since. As soon as I started screaming, the shadow turned 180 degrees around and started moving quickly towards me. The Scream went into over-drive. Crazy loud. That’s when Rob grab my arms and yelled “What’s Wrong?!!!!” It took half a sec to realize that the shadow-man was actually Rob. For the first time in the history of history, he had woken up when the noise started. He hadn’t heard me get up and thought that I was still in bed. Unbeknownst to me, he started sleuthing around in the house in the opposite direction of me. We each tip-toed around without realizing the other was searching the house, too. After The Scream, once we figured everything out, I was completely spent. The Scream had taken it all out of me. I crawled right back into bed and fell into a deep sleep. But, Rob, he was traumatized by The Scream. He was shook up, and could not go back to sleep at all. It was a rough night. Sorry, Honey!

That was an atypical night, to say the least. Most nights at our house are humdrum and predictable. When bedtime rolls around, I always make sure my bed is ready for the night. I get everything the way I like it so I will have a good chance of falling asleep without too much trouble.

Let me tell you how I prepare for slumber, how I get good and comfy. I have 2 medium-soft pillows for my head. They have to be inclined at just the right angle to help my annoying sinuses drain properly so that I don’t wake up choking. I am a side sleeper and I have a squishy tummy pillow, which I call Tummy Pillow. I can squish it up tight to my stomach or abdomen or other body part that rumbles or complains in the night. Having recently had hip surgery, I now have a between-the-legs pillow which I haven’t named. The new leg pillow jockeys for position with my old friend Tummy Pillow and sometimes the loser lands on the floor.

Sheets and blankets need to be lightweight, nothing that will overheat me in the night. I usually push most of the covers off of me, but I like them to be within arm’s reach in case I get a chill. I need plenty of room for my feet to move around. The bottom of the covers should be tucked in under the mattress so that they don’t ride up hither and thither on the bed. But, there must be an escape hatch so that one foot can slide out from under the covers if I need to balance my temperature in the night.  If, on some outing, I have to sleep in a sleeping bag, that’s fine, as long as I can leave it unzipped so my feet can breathe. Don’t even bring one of those cocoon style sleeping bags over here – that ain’t happening.

If two people are in the bed, there are instructions for my sleeping partner. Each person should be allocated 50% of the space. I can draw an imaginary line down the middle of the bed by counting the slats on the headboard if you need me to measure it. Not saying I’ve actually done that. But I have. When sleeping, I don’t need anyone encroaching on my space.

Another thing-- have you ever been in a parking lot and tried to park your car in a marked space but the next car is too close? That car might be technically IN its parking spot, but it is so close to the line that it impedes your ability to park or to open the car door. You know what I mean? Okay, don’t do that in the bed, either. Don’t sleep right up on your border. I could give you maybe 52% of the bed, but don’t push it. I don’t need your head that close to me. I don’t want to breathe anybody else’s exhale. Move over.

Let’s see……….what else? Oh……it’s just a little thing. But did I mention that I snore? Pretty loudly. Some might describe my snoring as noisy, clamorous, vociferous, or sounding like a freight train. I wouldn’t know—I’ve never heard it. I try different things to control it, like sleeping on my side, but sometimes the midnight symphony rings out anyway. Sorry, not sorry.

I think that about covers everything. So, whadayathink? You wanna come for a sleepover? Ha ha, I guess not. Maybe we should all just sleep in our own beds and meet for breakfast.  Only, I’d like to check over the menu first. I can be a little picky about what I like to eat first thing in the morning.

High maintenance?  Who…….moi?  Nah, you can’t be serious! I need my beauty sleep, so I've gotta do what I can to get as much as I can. That means I have to be particular about my sleeping environment. So, I'm just over here doin ma thang! Sweet dreams!